As you follow along, you will realize that Im not going in any chronological order in regards to my career as a firefighter/EMT. Today, Im going to fast forward a few years in to my career. After I began to establish myself as a "real" firefighter, I wanted more action...so I began looking for a busier company to join. My search led me about 8 miles away, just across the county line to a station I'll refer to as "Number 5". No. 5 is one of a hand full of volunteer fire departments that also provides EMS services. In most other towns you have the fire dept. and then separate from them you have the Ambulance Corps. Sure they work together on a multitude of emergencies, but aside from that they are totally separate. Up until now, that was the extent of the relationship I had with any ambulance corp. so this was going to be a big step.
I joined early in 1998 and began learning their ways. (every station has a different way of doing things) and I slowly began riding as an "observer" on the ambulance...or as we call them, the "gut bucket" or "the bus." I wouldn't do much except help carry equipment and help get the patient on the stretcher, but eventually I would have to get my EMT and start doing more. So, I signed up for the first class I could. From that point on I would be "learning on the call", doing everything on scene that I was learning in class, from taking blood pressures, assessing respiration's and pulse, and as I would later find out, CPR.
I was a little over half way into my EMT class and had a few calls under my belt, all of them "routine", things like difficulty breathing, minor vehicle accidents and some minor traumas like twisted or broken arms. On night while I was "sleeping up", this is when you actualy sleep at the station, #5 was a busy enough company that they allowed this and actually had live ins, guys that lived at the fire house. Anyway, I was sleeping up this particular night and had gone to bed at around 23:30 (thats 11:30 PM civilian time) I couldn't have been asleep for more than an hour when the house bells went off (the loud ass bells that ring for a call) and someone screamed over the intercom "LETS GO LETS GO LETS GO" Half asleep and sort of confused I stager out of my bunk and head for the slide pole and slide down into the apparatus bays. As I hit the bay floor I hear the ambulance starting up and one of the guys, Rick, yell..."You'll have to do, get your fuckin shit and lets go!"
I rush to my gear and step into my boots, pull up my bunker pants and head for the bus and hop in the back as it starts to pull away. Before I can sit down in the back, the Ambulance makes the right off the aprons (the "drive way" in front of the apparatus bays) and Im thrown onto the stretcher. I begin to pick myself up and we make the turn at the end of the road and I'm thrown onto the bench seat opposite the stretcher. As I finaly get my bearing and get into my seat I notice that we are hauling ass...I mean this fuckin ambulance has wings. I lean forward into the front cab to see Bill driving, which is comforting, He was an excellent wheel man (driver) and to this day he remains one of the best emergency vehicle drivers I have ever ridden with.
He calmly says, "You may wanna put your seatbelt on there slick"
And I ask where the hell are we going and for what.
Rick says, "Mutual aid into the next town and it aint good"
Before I can say anything else, the dispatcher calls us on the radio to inform us that they're giving "pre-arrivals." Pre-arrivals are the instructions on giving CPR. They are given by the dispatcher to the person who called 911.
I ask again whats going on but Im ignored as Rick reads directions from the map book for Bill. By now I can feel the intensity in the air....what ever it is cant be good.
I sit quietly in the back, my mind racing as to what could possibly await us when we arrive on scene. My hear beats so hard I swear I could hear it over the siren and the roar of the motor. My thoughts are finally broken when I hear Rick tell Bill that after he makes the next turn, the house will be the second one on the right.
I again lean forward into the front cab..."Will someone please tell me what the Hell is going on?!!"
Briefly ignored again, Rick explains to Bill the fastest way to get out of were we're going is to bust a "U-ey" but to drop us off before hand. Rick then looks at me and says "Look, this aint no bull shit, its a 7 month old baby in cardiac arrest, we don't have time to fuck around, He's (Bill) gonna drop us off in front of the house, hall ass, grab the kid and get back out here so Bill and I can switch." Bill, was also a Paramedic, with far more training than me as an EMT..
We rounded the last bend, still going what seemed like mach 2 and we pulled up noticing that the local cops had also just arrived and were running into the house with such hast that he didn't even shut his siren off. Bill slows down enough for Rick and I to hop out, and I hit the ground moving. Now I don't know how far it was from the street to the house, but it seemed like i made it in only 2 steps...only Im sure it was farther than that. I burst in the front door with a level of focus I had never experienced to see a young mother, in her 30's holding a lifeless baby girl in her arms, attempting to do CPR, fighting back tears and feelings I cant even begin to fathom.
As the police officer reaches to grab the baby from the woman's arms, he looks at me, I simply says "ambulance" and the lady looks up and turns to hand me the child....."Please.....save my baby..."
Almost as if it were instinct, I quickly but gently grab the child, laying her on on my forearm with her little head in the palm of my hand and I head for the door. At this point Rick was making his way in, saw me coming and held the door open...."Pump and blow man, pump and blow" (ems slang for administering CPR) We head for the bus which Bill already had turned around with the drivers door open, ready and waiting. He was in the back getting the pediatric bag opened and ready (bad full of medical supplies designed specifically for "wee ones") I hear Rick yell up to the officer the name of the hospital we would be going to and hop on the ambulance, sit on the bench seat and continue CPR as bill shuts the back doors and Rich throws it in drive...we're off.
I can remember stopping for a second to catch a quick breath from all the running combined with CPR. I hesitated for a split second more than I wanted because for the first time I actually looked at the child. She was a cute little thing, with a little swirl of hair on top of her head, and beautiful blue eyes that I could barely make out threw her half closed eye lids.
Bill asks me "What the hell are you doing?" referring to my lack of CPR....trying to keep my composure, I simply tell him "checking for a pulse"....but I couldn't feel it....so he reached over....."Yea....its there....but barely...keep doing what your doing, I'll set up the (heart) monitor"
I again place my mouth over the tiny little face and gently blow, watching the chest on this little body slowly rise and fall then follow with chest compressions using only 2 fingers. I swear I repeated this for what seemed like hours. As I look back, the ride to the hospital doesn't seem like it took all that long, and faintly remember Bill calling a report into the hospital, and periodically checking for a pulse, but never really telling me what or if he felt anything. Then before I knew it Rick hollers into the back "We're here" (at the hospital)
The ambulance comes to a stop, the back doors open and in jumps a guy in scrubs who announces himself as Dr. so and so. He politely asks me to stop CPR and begins checking for a pulse....the look on his face tells me that he cant feel anything...so he takes his stethoscope and listens...and with a disappointed look, softly shakes his head "no" followed with, "Lets get her inside"
He takes the baby, steps out and head for the ER doors and I'm right on his heals....they get her into the room a few more Dr's take a look and bill gives them his report.
"How long has she been without a pulse?" they ask
Bill softly answers, "5, maybe 10 minuets, and before that it was very weak"
One of the Dr's lets out a big sigh and says..."thats it....call it"......"time of death, 12:53"
My heart dropped like a stone...and I could feel my eyes starting to well up so i turned and left the room....walked out of the ER. As if what I had just been through wasn't bad enough, as I'm walking out I notice a police car pull up to the ambulance entrance and a woman frantically jump out and run in. She Recognizes me and the person she handed her child off to and trusted to save her daughters life....
"Where is my baby?"
"Room 11" I reply
"How is she?" she then asked...still fighting back an onslaught of tears.
Now I ask you....how do you answer that?.... After having someone hand you their child trusting you will save them and knowing you didn't.....what do you say? To this day I still don't think I know how to answer that, and I sure didn't that night....I just looked at her, and the tears running down my face said enough.
She let out a scream with a feeling of agony I wouldn't wish on anybody, then collapsed to the floor right there inside the ER doors, completely hysterical. The police officer began to comfort her as did the nurses who responded to her scream. I just stood there and began to ball with my face in my hands...and for the split I could muster simply said "I'm sorry" then turned and walked out to the ambulance.
Now as you can probably imagine...I didn't sleep that night, neither did Rick or Bill. As the luck of that night would have it, about a day or two later in EMT class we had the hands on portion of our Mid term....and what did i have to do?....you guessed it....infant CPR....and I couldn't. As I held that mannequin and tried to complete the task I couldn't stop thinking about the feel of a real lifeless child in my arms, and the smell of what I would assume was the little girls baby lotion......so I walked out. Sitting on the curb outside the school my instructor came out and sat next to me...he had heard what happened, a lot of people had. He told me I didn't have to do it...I had already done enough. He than began to tell me of a child he had lost once...It's not easy.....and it is by far the shittiest part of the job...but you gotta keep at it.
I had done everything we could of that night...but the final decision wasn't ours to make...but I decided to do this for a reason...and I have to accept the bad with the good.
It wasn't until about 3 or 4 days later that I was actually able to sleep, and that was only out of pure physical and emotional exhaustion. It bothered all 3 of us for some time....it was probably about 2 weeks until I started feeling some what normal, and that was only after the Chief ordered us to take some time off from the station to regroup.
Believe it or not, some good did come out of that horrific night. A policy was put into place that stated anytime there would be a loss of life involving children, the hospital would send over staff and every person involved would attend "Critical incident stress debriefing" to help us to work through it....and after experiencing what I had, I can say thats a good thing. But still....all these years later....this is the one that still, from time to time, wakes me up at night.
